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Dorothy’s Place: Mail Order Magic

By Dorothy Denne

Catalogs galore in the mailbox. It’s mail order magic time.

First is a roll-on product for ladies that promises you can say good-bye to unsightly, unwanted hair. If you use it regularly you may never have to shave again! It’s safe for face, legs, even bikini areas. Oooo-ouch, if it dissolves the hair, what else does it dissolve?

If you don’t want to roll it off, there is a neat little gadget that it says is safer than scissors and much more hygienic. You can use it to remove unwanted hair from your nose, ears, and eyebrows. No need to worry, the recessed stainless steel blades are protected so there’s no risk of cutting or pinching yourself. ‘Scuse me but oooo-ouch again.

If the thought of all that unwanted hair stresses you, there is a gel-filled thing you can wrap around your neck which promises to give dramatic relief from stress. I suspect the drama may come from the fact that you heat it in the microwave. I see another ooo-ouch coming on if you heat that little sucker a few seconds too long.

There is an absolutely gross-looking muscle toner that promises not only to keep you looking fit but also to strengthen the muscles that aid in bladder control. It says it uses the fundamentals of applied resistance, which strengthen the pelvic floor muscles. The iso-kinetic development also tightens the thighs, buttocks, and abdominal muscles. In addition to all that, they promise it is comfortable because it is rubber-coated steel. Now placing it where they show, rubber-coated or not, just how comfortable can steel be?

Getting away from the body, they offer a useful item: a clock. The blurb says, “You’ll think you’re down by the depot when this train-lover’s clock hits the hour. It whistles. It rumbles. It clangs. And more!” More? What more could you ask at 2:00 in the morning?

If you’re not a train lover, how about talking faucet heads? “Meow! Oink! Moo!” Simply push these clever plastic heads onto your faucets and your faucet will “talk” to you whenever you wash your hands, do the dishes or clean the sink.

How ’bout a six inch barking guard dog that says Woof, Woof?

Aaah, the magic of mail order.

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